Wednesday, 21 March 2007
Funny
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to.
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to.
Tuesday, 13 March 2007
The Italian and the Bank
The Italian and the Bank
An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of
security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new
Ferrari.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produces
the title and everything checks out.The loan officer agrees to accept the
car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all
enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very
happy to have had your business,and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you
out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why
would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Italian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two
weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of
security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new
Ferrari.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produces
the title and everything checks out.The loan officer agrees to accept the
car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all
enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very
happy to have had your business,and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you
out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why
would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Italian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two
weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Thursday, 22 February 2007
Lateral thinking quiz
Concentrate and write down your answers
· A graduate applying for pilot training with a major airline was asked what he would do if, after a long-haul flight to Sidney, he met the captain wearing a dress in the hotel bar.
· What can you hold in your right hand, but not in your left?
· If you have two coins totaling 11p, and one of the coins is not a penny, what are the two coins?
· How many animals of each species did Moses take into the Ark?
· A man built a rectangular house, each side having a southern view. He spotted a bear. What colour was the bear?
· If you were alone in a deserted house at night, and there was an oil lamp, a candle and firewood and you only have one match, which would you light first?
· Which side of a cat contains the most hair?
· The 60th and 62nd British Prime Ministers of the UK had the same mother and father, but were not brothers. How do you account for this?
· How many birthdays does a typical woman have?
· Why can't a man living in Canterbury be buried west of the River Stour?
· Divide 40 by half and add ten. What is the answer?
· To the nearest cubic centimetre, how much soil is there in a 3m x 2m x 2m hole?
· Is it legal more a man to marry his widow's sister?
· If you drove a coach leaving Canterbury with 35 passengers, dropped off 6 and picked up 2 at Faversham, picked up 9 more at Sittingbourne, dropped off 3 at Chatham, and then drove on to arrive in London 40 minutes later, what would the name of the driver be?
· A farmer has 15 cows, all but 8 die. How many does he have left?
· A woman lives on the tenth floor of a block of flats. Every morning she takes the lift down to the ground floor and goes to work. In the evening, she gets into the lift, and, if there is someone else in the lift she goes back to her floor directly. Otherwise, she goes to the eighth floor and walks up two flights of stairs to her flat. How do you explain this?
· The band of stars across the night sky is called the "...... Way"
· Yogurt is made from fermented ........
· What do cows drink?
· If a red house is made of red bricks, and a blue house is made of blue bricks, what is a green
house made of?
· If a plane crashes on the Italian/Swiss border, where do you bury the survivors?
· If the hour hand of a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute, how many degrees will it move in an hour?
· John's mother has 3 children, one is named April, one is named May. What is the third one named?
· A cowboy rode into town on Friday, spent one night there, and left on Friday. How do you account for this?
write down your answers and see how many you got right
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1. The captain was of course a woman.
2. Your left hand, forearm or elbow.
3. 10p and 1p - the other coin can be a penny!
4. None. NOAH built the Ark
5. White. Only at the North Pole can all four walls be facing South.
6. The match!
7. The outside
8. Churchill was Prime Minister twice, from 1940 to 45 and from 1951 to 55.
9. One
10. Because he is still alive .
11. 90. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
12. None - it's a hole!
13. No - because he's dead
14. YOU are the driver!
15. 8
16. The woman is of small stature and couldn't reach the upper lift buttons.
17. Milky Way
18. Milk
19. Water. After the previous two questions, did you answer milk?
20. Glass
21. You don't bury survivors!
22. One
23. John
24. His horse was named Friday
· A graduate applying for pilot training with a major airline was asked what he would do if, after a long-haul flight to Sidney, he met the captain wearing a dress in the hotel bar.
· What can you hold in your right hand, but not in your left?
· If you have two coins totaling 11p, and one of the coins is not a penny, what are the two coins?
· How many animals of each species did Moses take into the Ark?
· A man built a rectangular house, each side having a southern view. He spotted a bear. What colour was the bear?
· If you were alone in a deserted house at night, and there was an oil lamp, a candle and firewood and you only have one match, which would you light first?
· Which side of a cat contains the most hair?
· The 60th and 62nd British Prime Ministers of the UK had the same mother and father, but were not brothers. How do you account for this?
· How many birthdays does a typical woman have?
· Why can't a man living in Canterbury be buried west of the River Stour?
· Divide 40 by half and add ten. What is the answer?
· To the nearest cubic centimetre, how much soil is there in a 3m x 2m x 2m hole?
· Is it legal more a man to marry his widow's sister?
· If you drove a coach leaving Canterbury with 35 passengers, dropped off 6 and picked up 2 at Faversham, picked up 9 more at Sittingbourne, dropped off 3 at Chatham, and then drove on to arrive in London 40 minutes later, what would the name of the driver be?
· A farmer has 15 cows, all but 8 die. How many does he have left?
· A woman lives on the tenth floor of a block of flats. Every morning she takes the lift down to the ground floor and goes to work. In the evening, she gets into the lift, and, if there is someone else in the lift she goes back to her floor directly. Otherwise, she goes to the eighth floor and walks up two flights of stairs to her flat. How do you explain this?
· The band of stars across the night sky is called the "...... Way"
· Yogurt is made from fermented ........
· What do cows drink?
· If a red house is made of red bricks, and a blue house is made of blue bricks, what is a green
house made of?
· If a plane crashes on the Italian/Swiss border, where do you bury the survivors?
· If the hour hand of a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute, how many degrees will it move in an hour?
· John's mother has 3 children, one is named April, one is named May. What is the third one named?
· A cowboy rode into town on Friday, spent one night there, and left on Friday. How do you account for this?
write down your answers and see how many you got right
below
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1. The captain was of course a woman.
2. Your left hand, forearm or elbow.
3. 10p and 1p - the other coin can be a penny!
4. None. NOAH built the Ark
5. White. Only at the North Pole can all four walls be facing South.
6. The match!
7. The outside
8. Churchill was Prime Minister twice, from 1940 to 45 and from 1951 to 55.
9. One
10. Because he is still alive .
11. 90. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
12. None - it's a hole!
13. No - because he's dead
14. YOU are the driver!
15. 8
16. The woman is of small stature and couldn't reach the upper lift buttons.
17. Milky Way
18. Milk
19. Water. After the previous two questions, did you answer milk?
20. Glass
21. You don't bury survivors!
22. One
23. John
24. His horse was named Friday
Monday, 19 February 2007
I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. I'd love to be eight again" she replied.
On the morning of her birthday he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a Day!
He put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favorite lolly and M&Ms .
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted.
- - - - - - -
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
- - - - - - -
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed "I meant my dress size, you f*ckin tw*t"
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong
On the morning of her birthday he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a Day!
He put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favorite lolly and M&Ms .
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted.
- - - - - - -
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
- - - - - - -
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed "I meant my dress size, you f*ckin tw*t"
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong
Tuesday, 13 February 2007
Stowaway
A pretty, young, woman in Nova Scotia was so depressed that she
decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid
water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge
of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for.
We're off to Hawaii in the morning. If you like, I can stow you
away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her waist and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The blonde nodded. What did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh
start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in the bowels
of the ship. From then on, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of fruit every night, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, she was discovered by the Captain during a
routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I
get food and a trip to Hawaii, and in return he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Dartmouth
ferry."
decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid
water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge
of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for.
We're off to Hawaii in the morning. If you like, I can stow you
away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her waist and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The blonde nodded. What did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh
start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in the bowels
of the ship. From then on, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of fruit every night, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, she was discovered by the Captain during a
routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I
get food and a trip to Hawaii, and in return he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Dartmouth
ferry."
Thursday, 1 February 2007
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
why does this sound so familiar? -too much to do in so little time?????
Recently, I was diagnosed with ~ A.A.A.D.D. ~ Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it manifests ...
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway. I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can, under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers in the hall catches my eye ~ they need water. I put the Coke on the table and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the table, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen counter. I realize that tonight, when I go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's in the kitchen, so I decide to put it back in the study where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wiped up the spill. Then, I head down the passage trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day ~
- the car isn't washed
- the bills aren't paid
- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the table
- the flowers don't have enough water
- there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book
- I can't find the remote
- I can't find my glasses
- and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh ~ if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
Recently, I was diagnosed with ~ A.A.A.D.D. ~ Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it manifests ...
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway. I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can, under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers in the hall catches my eye ~ they need water. I put the Coke on the table and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the table, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen counter. I realize that tonight, when I go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's in the kitchen, so I decide to put it back in the study where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wiped up the spill. Then, I head down the passage trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day ~
- the car isn't washed
- the bills aren't paid
- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the table
- the flowers don't have enough water
- there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book
- I can't find the remote
- I can't find my glasses
- and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh ~ if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
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