Friday, 27 April 2007

Lords consider Hip hop

Opposition parties are lining up for one last attack one Home Information Packs hoping the House of Lords will provide the perfect setting to ambush the policy to force a delay on implementation.

The Conservatives are set to table a motion in the Lords next week which they hope will force a vote on whether or not to scrap Hips.

Traditionally the second Chamber does not oppose secondary legislation but the Tories and LibDems are hoping for a vote to block the rules which would implement Hips on 1 June.

The Government does not enjoy any kind of comfortable majority in the Lords and Opposition parties are confident they could win a spoiling vote that could force a delay.

The motion will coincide with a report on Hips by the Lords select committee on statutory instruments, due next Tuesday at the earliest, which is expected to be massively critical of the new policy.

The Tories have long been hostile to Hips, with shadow housing minister Michael Gove part of the strong pressure last year that saw the scrapping of the compulsory Home Condition Report.

Gove this week told the BBC politics show that a Conservative Government would scrap Hips saying the new regime “will force everyone selling their house to slap another £500 on the cost, for no real benefit… there’s absolutely no case for making housing more expensive”.

Pretty strong stuff from a Party that is currently more than a little bashful about making any kind of election promise and worrying for those who have invested money in preparing for the regime or plan to make a killing when Hips are introduced.

Step forward the Association of Home Information Providers with their calm and measured response to the Tories tactics.

An Ahips press release this week ran as follows “Mike Ockenden director general for the Association of Home Information Pack Providers has blasted the latest Tory opposition to Hips as feeble and desperate, questioning their motivation”.

Ahipps claims the Tories being “anti-democratic” in their behaviour for “jumping on the coat tails of those industry bodies who have called for a delay”.

I’m sure David Cameron’s advisers are scurrying around Conservative Central Office at the moment cooking up an appropriate riposte to such a cutting political attack.

But, jokes aside, the Tories are tapping into the legitimate concerns of many about the effect of the new regime and the long-running calls -albeit we are now a little late in the day- for a delay until a better cost benefit analysis can be done.

And quite what is wrong with drawing political attention to the legitimate concerns of the likes of the Council of Mortgage Lenders and National Association of Estate Agents I guess only Ahipps would know.

Elsewhere, former managing director of Hamptons Mortgages Kevin Duffy will join brokerage Robert Sterling as managing director in the autumn, and lead ambitious expansion plans at the company.

Duffy had considered a lending role as a possible next step on after Hamptons but will instead take the reins at the north London and Manchester-based brokerage and will be assured a generous welcome package at the firm.

Thursday, 26 April 2007

Landmark ruling spells trouble for unmarried co-habitants

A landmark ruling has declared that millions of unmarried couples who buy a house together will be denied the same rights given to married couples if they split up.

The ruling, made yesterday, has confirmed that there is no such thing as 'common law' marriages.

Married couples who split up will normally have a right to half of the property's value when they divorce.

However, unmarried people will have to split the value of their homes depending on how much each of them paid towards it.

The ruling was made after an unmarried couple went to court fighting over their £750,000 house.

Barry Stack wanted half of the money from the sale, but his partner was awarded 65% of the share as she had paid more towards the mortgage.

Unmarried co-habitants are being advised to draw up a contract when buying a house together.

House prices drop to six-month low

House prices drop to six-month low

Average property prices fell in March to their lowest level since October last year, according to AWD Moneyextra.

At £220,303, the average price is up just 4.8% on year-ago levels and is down 1.2% on February’s £222,9231.

Property values fell both for first-time buyers and for home movers.

However, the fall of just £891 - to an average £176,205 - for first-time buyers underlines this is the sector of the housing market still experiencing the greatest price pressures, said Moneyextra.

Despite the falls seen in the last month, first-time buyers are still facing the largest increases in prices year on year, with the average price rising by 5.9%.

Robin AmlĂ´t of Moneyextra, said: “It looks like the mortgage market is beginning to slow down. The prospect of higher interest rates on the way and talk of base rate rising as high as 7.5% next year will have a dampening effect on the housing market over the coming months.”

The average value of mortgages completed by AWD Moneyextra customers in March fell again to its lowest level for three months at £142,708.75.

The most popular mortgage lender in March was Lloyds TSB subsidiary Cheltenham & Gloucester.

Link http://www.bestadvice.net/bastory.asp?id=10280

Tuesday, 17 April 2007

Grumpy Pope

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs,
they are ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.
"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome ?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
Europe ?

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe "
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy
turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere
in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says,
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting....
"Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

Thursday, 12 April 2007

A Quick Poo

Last Night I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of

which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you


I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah,

Not too bad thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to


Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to

say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo.. How about yourself?"

I then heard the voice for the third time .

"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d!ck head in the loo next to me answering everything I say."

Wednesday, 21 March 2007

A Few funny stories: Funny

A Few funny stories: Funny



1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list


Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to.

Tuesday, 13 March 2007

The Italian and the Bank

The Italian and the Bank

An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of
security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produces
the title and everything checks out.The loan officer agrees to accept the
car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all
enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very
happy to have had your business,and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you
out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why
would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Italian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two
weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Thursday, 22 February 2007

Lateral thinking quiz

Concentrate and write down your answers

· A graduate applying for pilot training with a major airline was asked what he would do if, after a long-haul flight to Sidney, he met the captain wearing a dress in the hotel bar.

· What can you hold in your right hand, but not in your left?

· If you have two coins totaling 11p, and one of the coins is not a penny, what are the two coins?

· How many animals of each species did Moses take into the Ark?

· A man built a rectangular house, each side having a southern view. He spotted a bear. What colour was the bear?

· If you were alone in a deserted house at night, and there was an oil lamp, a candle and firewood and you only have one match, which would you light first?

· Which side of a cat contains the most hair?

· The 60th and 62nd British Prime Ministers of the UK had the same mother and father, but were not brothers. How do you account for this?

· How many birthdays does a typical woman have?

· Why can't a man living in Canterbury be buried west of the River Stour?

· Divide 40 by half and add ten. What is the answer?

· To the nearest cubic centimetre, how much soil is there in a 3m x 2m x 2m hole?

· Is it legal more a man to marry his widow's sister?

· If you drove a coach leaving Canterbury with 35 passengers, dropped off 6 and picked up 2 at Faversham, picked up 9 more at Sittingbourne, dropped off 3 at Chatham, and then drove on to arrive in London 40 minutes later, what would the name of the driver be?

· A farmer has 15 cows, all but 8 die. How many does he have left?

· A woman lives on the tenth floor of a block of flats. Every morning she takes the lift down to the ground floor and goes to work. In the evening, she gets into the lift, and, if there is someone else in the lift she goes back to her floor directly. Otherwise, she goes to the eighth floor and walks up two flights of stairs to her flat. How do you explain this?

· The band of stars across the night sky is called the "...... Way"

· Yogurt is made from fermented ........

· What do cows drink?

· If a red house is made of red bricks, and a blue house is made of blue bricks, what is a green
house made of?

· If a plane crashes on the Italian/Swiss border, where do you bury the survivors?

· If the hour hand of a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute, how many degrees will it move in an hour?

· John's mother has 3 children, one is named April, one is named May. What is the third one named?

· A cowboy rode into town on Friday, spent one night there, and left on Friday. How do you account for this?

write down your answers and see how many you got right

1. The captain was of course a woman.
2. Your left hand, forearm or elbow.
3. 10p and 1p - the other coin can be a penny!
4. None. NOAH built the Ark
5. White. Only at the North Pole can all four walls be facing South.
6. The match!
7. The outside
8. Churchill was Prime Minister twice, from 1940 to 45 and from 1951 to 55.
9. One
10. Because he is still alive .
11. 90. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
12. None - it's a hole!
13. No - because he's dead
14. YOU are the driver!
15. 8
16. The woman is of small stature and couldn't reach the upper lift buttons.
17. Milky Way
18. Milk
19. Water. After the previous two questions, did you answer milk?
20. Glass
21. You don't bury survivors!
22. One
23. John
24. His horse was named Friday

Monday, 19 February 2007


A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. I'd love to be eight again" she replied.
On the morning of her birthday he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a Day!
He put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favorite lolly and M&Ms .
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted.
- - - - - - -
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
- - - - - - -
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed "I meant my dress size, you f*ckin tw*t"
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong

Tuesday, 13 February 2007


A pretty, young, woman in Nova Scotia was so depressed that she
decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid
water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge
of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for.
We're off to Hawaii in the morning. If you like, I can stow you
away on my ship.

I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her waist and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The blonde nodded. What did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh
start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in the bowels
of the ship. From then on, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of fruit every night, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, she was discovered by the Captain during a
routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I
get food and a trip to Hawaii, and in return he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Dartmouth

Thursday, 1 February 2007

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

why does this sound so familiar? -too much to do in so little time?????

Recently, I was diagnosed with ~ A.A.A.D.D. ~ Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it manifests ...
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway. I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can, under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers in the hall catches my eye ~ they need water. I put the Coke on the table and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the table, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen counter. I realize that tonight, when I go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's in the kitchen, so I decide to put it back in the study where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wiped up the spill. Then, I head down the passage trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day ~
- the car isn't washed
- the bills aren't paid
- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the table
- the flowers don't have enough water
- there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book
- I can't find the remote
- I can't find my glasses
- and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh ~ if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!




Thursday, 25 January 2007

12 things to make you smile

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

Secured Loans to suit you needs

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it...

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be
displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Please pass this along to your family and friends. Thanks

Thursday, 4 January 2007

A few funny stories


A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.

He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl, while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming.

She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm - Taken from a Florida Newspaper.


Just remember, it could be worse.....

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

2. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

3. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally...

4. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb he opened it and was blown to bits.

Great Moments in Physics
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen.

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqroot (l / g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.


The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it's true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front (go) to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.

Ever Wonder?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

Appreciate what you have

One day . . . a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country, so he could have his son see how poor country people live.

They stayed one day and one night in the home of a very humble farmer. At the end of the trip, and when they were back home, the father asked his son, "What did you think of the trip?"

The son replied, "Very nice dad."

Then the father asked his son, "Did you notice how poor they were?"

The son replied, "Yes."

The father continued asking, "What did you learn?"

The son responded, "I learned that we have one dog in our house, and they have four.

Also, we have a fountain in our garden, but they have a stream that has no end.

And we have imported lamps in our garden . . . where they have the stars!

And our garden goes to the edge of our property. But they have the entire horizon as their back yard!"

At the end of the son's reply the father was speechless.

His son then said, "Thank you dad for showing me how poor we really are."

Isn't it true that all depends on the lens you use to see life?

One can ask himself what would happen if we give thanks for what we have instead of always asking for more.

Learn to appreciate what you have. Wealth is all in one's point of view.

Criminal Lawyers Award

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of 24 very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."


After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest

Wednesday, 3 January 2007

A Brief Description of Various Football Pitches

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and
Width, thus varying the quality of play

2. pitches vary from the well grassed to the completely bald

3. remember, it is possible to score at both ends

4. tackling from behind is not always an offence, check with ground

5. be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of
premiership standard, but in reality would not even be eligible as a
council dumping ground

6. only some grounds offer five a side facilities

7. don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also
never mention pitches previously visited

8. extra time is dependant on subsequent pitch bookings

9. if the ground does not seem to have under soil heating, suggest
calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner

10. when building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at
the back

11. wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles

12. always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel, do
not expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the
goal mouth and score. that can leave an awful taste in the mouth of
the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground

13. personal morals may be compromised by local derbies

14. it is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches

15. from time to time the goal may be obstructed by a highly
absorbent goalie

16. Bulgarian grounds are frequently more grassy

17. French grounds are frequently very nice too look at, however
there can be sometimes an awful smell from the terraces which don't
get hosed down as often as they should

18. very few grounds are found with executive boxes

19. be wary of grounds with room for coaches

20. always be on the lookout for grounds that host ladies footy two
evenings a week

21. pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5
days a month, although this can be longer if u piss the owner off by
continually asking to play up the good end instead

22. players must agree personal terms with the club before being
allowed to play on the turf

23. always look for a ground that has never been played on before
(or at least hasn't had many visits). that said, well used grounds
may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best
out of a player

football / women all the same really