A Brief Description of Various Football Pitches

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and
Width, thus varying the quality of play

2. pitches vary from the well grassed to the completely bald

3. remember, it is possible to score at both ends

4. tackling from behind is not always an offence, check with ground
owner

5. be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of
premiership standard, but in reality would not even be eligible as a
council dumping ground

6. only some grounds offer five a side facilities

7. don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also
never mention pitches previously visited

8. extra time is dependant on subsequent pitch bookings

9. if the ground does not seem to have under soil heating, suggest
calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner

10. when building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at
the back

11. wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles

12. always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel, do
not expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the
goal mouth and score. that can leave an awful taste in the mouth of
the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground

13. personal morals may be compromised by local derbies

14. it is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches

15. from time to time the goal may be obstructed by a highly
absorbent goalie

16. Bulgarian grounds are frequently more grassy

17. French grounds are frequently very nice too look at, however
there can be sometimes an awful smell from the terraces which don't
get hosed down as often as they should

18. very few grounds are found with executive boxes

19. be wary of grounds with room for coaches

20. always be on the lookout for grounds that host ladies footy two
evenings a week

21. pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5
days a month, although this can be longer if u piss the owner off by
continually asking to play up the good end instead

22. players must agree personal terms with the club before being
allowed to play on the turf

23. always look for a ground that has never been played on before
(or at least hasn't had many visits). that said, well used grounds
may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best
out of a player

football / women all the same really